The Art Of Block Voting On Eurovish Or How The Cold War Is Alive And Singing

So another year has passed and the event of the centenary from which was born the phrase, “Euro-trash” has come and gone, yet the result of the pop-lacking, spine-curling Eurovision Song Contest (or for those of us slightly older, Song For Europe) which was standard laughter and ridicule has since been swept away with what is not political egg on 56 million faces sitting like lame ducks in the UK. It is of course, Eurovision and from what was a word which made us smile, is now nothing but a sick joke.

Russia won this year, and to be perfectly honest with you, I actually could have told you that – not that I have access to any secret inside information, only a map of Europe and a rough run down of whose won it in the passed.

For a start, we should pose the question – What is Russia doing in it in the first place, and since when have they been a part of Europe? Surely the answer to this is that they are only a part of Europe when it suits them, and that it, in present times, one night in May each year. On viewing the rather interesting map featured in The Sunday Mail today, you will be able to spot the pattern referred to like a referee in a football match who has decided to turn up for the start of play wearing a pink tutu.

All countries guilty of adorning Russia with 12 points are nestled cutely along side the side of the mighty Russia almost simulating the Iron Curtain. (Perhaps that should be Irony Curtain) All these countries, namely, Estonia, Latvia, Belarus, Lithuania and the Ukraine, form a comfortable line from north to south which of course, were all former sections of the great Soviet Union.

The further away from the East one travels along the path of Eurovish, the cold the points became – a line can also be formed, almost straight in fact, from West to East (from the UK, Germany and finally in Poland) all group together are the losers, all scoring a measly 14 points each taking joint 25th place. Desperately holding on to our finger tips we were determined to stick together – the three countries disliked the most, as a German newspaper noted as a front page headline the following day “Why Doesn’t Anyone Like Us?” Doesn’t this all sound rather like an aftermath of the Second World War?

No, we can’t possibly keep blaming our failing efforts on the War, by jolly, that was 60 years ago, not even when we are along side bringing up the rear with Germany, and what on Earth is Poland doing with us? If anyone should be feeling blue after the cringing events of Saturday night, it should be Poland, and we certainly won’t blame our magic man Mr Andy Abraham, did the East have a problem with former dustbin men? Is it because the song sounded too much like soul and for therefore too American? Rubbish, if my ears did not deceive me, that girl from Greece was from the New York Bronx, and by jeepers, didn’t the song remind you of Ms Britney Spears?

We could spend the rest of this dreary, damp Bank Holiday Monday wallowing in out own self pity at another failed attempt at Eurovish, and in the north winds which engulf our proud land today, it would certainly be the best setting, but lets face facts here, “Even If” was a damn good song and could never be collectively bagging and thrown into a corner with painfully bad Skooch of 2007 and our of tune Gemini from 2006 – it is political and whether we like it of not, we have to follow our own sturdy leader here, Sir Wogan and take out 40% and just go home.

We don’t need to be in Eurovish and even if we just have a good sulk and tell those weirdoes in the East to rearrange their voting ideas and then we just might consider coming back – until then, they are on their own – learn the hard way Eastern Block, just the same as we did.....

Out of the 9 million of us Brits who tuned in on Saturday night to watch the hanging, drawing and quartering of Mr Abraham, we knew deep down in our hearts, we were in for the stake. Yet we still subject ourselves and in a previous report from my good self, even if we had won, we would not have celebrated but would have had to go and take a lie down – we can’t win – we don’t know how to react.

The weather still would have been the same today, whether we had won or not and would our mood have been any different – I guess not – we are a fickle country and if we can find fault in either ourselves or other countries, we will. We are Brits and proud of being so, so on that note, we will do what we always do, fold our arms tightly, say “We told you so,” and join in next year for the more of the same....

After all, we don’t like change, do we....?

©mduffy 2008-05-26