The Spray To Get Stuck To....

Whilst still dreaming of the day that I just might have big hair like Kate Bush or that dark haired one in Heart, I aimlessly trudge through the sweaty, over crowded shops in my local High Street on a Saturday afternoon like some ritual, looking for that infamous product that will turn me from dull, flatly ordinary brunette to luscious, incredibly stunning raven haired beauty.

In my cluttered bathroom cabinet, I possess almost every conceivable product that I might have gazed at in wonderment over the years and thought, at the time, that it might do the trick. The ultimate goal of fabulous looking hair. Not incredibly graced with the wondrous locks naturally, I have to prepare myself for the depressing job of trying to find something that will give my hair the same result of sticking my finger in a plug socket. I spot, by chance something that may well see me kissing my flat hair days goodbye; may I introduce the ‘super fast, grab you by the nuts, whooper dooper ultra strong power volumising spray!’

I make a quick decision to buy it and make my escape quickly home before the assistant notices my pancake hair. For the price I paid, a hard earned £2.95, it seems like a shot in the dark. I am not usually the type that pays out heftily for anything unless I know it’s going to work. However, curiosity has taken this cat by the scruff and dragged her over to the counter with opened purse, so, pleased with my purchase, I trot home with joy in my heart.

A super fine liquid bounces around in the small, pale blue bottle like spring water. I have always been keen on Shockwaves products but always imagined that punks with spiky hair do’s would want to buy this stuff instead of me. In my bathroom, I squint at the tiny words on the back. It says;

‘Hold!’ (with four purple dots after it….sounds hopeful, although what exactly these dots mean, leaves no firm question in my head so I skip that and move onto the next line…) It asks me a question….

‘Need Added Volume With An Added Finish?’ (Well, yes…I suppose, but what finish? Have I just unwittingly purchase furniture polish or perhaps that brown stuff you paint onto fences?) I move on again…It now appears that this clever print is trying to tell me that this revolutionary product with ‘shape, hold and control‘…(I wonder perhaps I should be spraying this onto my four year old instead of my hair…) Then I see that it apparently ‘gives added volume with an ultra strong hold..’ Well, if I didn’t already read that on the front of the bottle in the shop then I guess I wouldn’t have bought it, right? It shouts, ‘No Stickiness!’ I think I actually want stickiness. This word, in my mind, and when applied to my hair tells me that it is working. I don’t think I’m on my own here in this statement. Then it lies to me, and luckily I had already prepared myself for such a fib; ‘Brushes Out Easily!’ Nothing that goes with the word ‘stickiness’ ends in ‘brushes out easily.’ Not in my world anyhow.

Then the print doubts my intelligence, another question..’Need To Know How?’ (Yes, while you’re at it, you might as well tell me how to use this and what hair on my body I need to spray it on. After all, I have just landed from Mars, tutt!) ‘Apply To Damp or Dry Hair.’ (You mean I could have used this in the shop instead of buying it?) It tells me, ‘no stickiness’ once again, and I feel sucked into to its believable existence. ‘For extra volume, spray onto to the roots and blow dry.’ Now, for anyone who has tried to use a gel like product in the past and the container tells you to blow dry, you know for a fact that the gel will dry into something that resembles glue and is plainly obvious to all who pass you by so I feel that an element of brushing might help afterwards, at least to get out the U-hu effect…

I wash hair then wildly spray away to my hearts content. Happy with the amount that I have sprayed, I regain consciousness (as the smell and spray essence is a little over powering) and try to then master the art of a jolly good blow dry.

Now I shall mention the stickiness bit. To my past knowledge of such products, I expect some stickiness, but perhaps I was not ready to as much as I did encounter. The stickiness was over whelming to say the least. From beneath my locks, I felt the product was practically clinging onto to my scalp for dear life. Now with the feeling resembling wearing a rather fetching swimming cap, I try to ‘style’ my way to complete glory. My hair now feels the consistency of straw. I pick up the bottle at study it carefully. Then I attempt to put down the bottle and find that it has now stuck to my hand. Now humbly near tears, I then precede with a small party piece in which I remind myself of that elderly French mime artist who Des O’Connor used to have on his show a great deal who did a rather amusing mime of something being stuck to his hand and then on the inside of his jacket pocket. I feel myself now loosing control over my purchase and then manage to put it down without loosing any skin. Sticky is not the word. I now get the impression that this stuff is everywhere other than the very place it should be and that’s on the roots of my hair.

However, after a good deal of shaking one’s head and pouting a lot in the mirror, I finally get to grips with my wild style. I found this spray has a mind of its own and if not a fully qualified hairdresser or carpenter, I feel that others will have the same experiences too.

I study bottle from floor level, remembering not to venture picking it up again…

Another question…tutt.

‘Need The Expert’s Tip?’

Now they tell me!

‘For beautifully defined hair ends, use Shockwaves Control Eazy Endz!’

(Sigh)

I doubt I shall be buying that too. I can imagine long queues of sticky handed women traipsing back to Superdrug with six inch long hair in spikes and lining up for yet more sticky stuff. I resist.

I read the ingredients to see if there is anything there I can pronounce… As well as the usual alcohol (not advisable to drink if style becomes that uncontrollable after using the product) I see it does contain water and a lot of ‘parfum’ It also advises to run under warm water if the nozzle becomes blocked. A feat, I think I will practise for a while as I feel that this may happen more than once.

What I do like to see, although never use, is these website addresses on the most unattractive products. If I felt the strong need to not to end my life, I could look up the website or even join a little chat room! There are some phone numbers to call both in the UK and abroad if my tears didn’t stop by themselves, all well readable if you are three centimetres high or if you have fantastic eyesight.

The Verdict On Hair;

I received some strange looks from the playground this morning on dropping my child off at school from the other worried looking mums. Ha! At least I am trying to do something with my hair! Some look concerned, others give my promising nods of appreciation. My hair now feels thicker, and even in the slight morning breeze, it doesn’t budge an inch! Yes! Mission accomplished! If only this stuff had been around in the early eighties when I donned myself in baggy Louis XIII shirts and lip-gloss. I could have joined in with all those Flock Of Seagulls gigs my friends were going to!

I must work on that stickiness on the bathroom walls. Once I have perfected the art of re decorating, then I just might stick with this!

Conclusion;

I do like this spray only because, since stuck in a time warp, I feel that I should be still donning rock hard hair. Please only use if you a true Adam Ant fan, otherwise if you want to be more like AndI McDowell in the skin care ads, then give this shockwaves thing a wide berth and grab some of that face putty instead.

This may have been some use to you.

Thanks for persevering.